Personal musings and insights for people who don't mind long, drawn out, thoughts in complex thinking.

Lately, I feel like pieces of a puzzle that have been left out in the rain, discarded and soggy, pieces that no longer fit well together. The sogginess has distorted my pieces, making the whole putting back together a difficult expense, one that no one really enjoys taking part in. I mean who really wants to spend time shoving together these pieces that you know have already been destroyed?
I'm not saying I'm destroyed. In no means necessary am I a "destroyed" person. A little bored, which makes me a bit cynical, but destroyed? That's not the word I would use to call myself.
I'm more like an anomaly in myself. I have all these different pieces of me that don't quiet fit together. I guess that's where the puzzle piece analogy comes into play. I often feel myself conflicting within itself. I am not trying to fit into any mold, or start any new one, instead, I am simply just trying to figure myself out.
But aren't we all?
I guess what I mean is...there are certain ways society thinks, "society norms", created by the middle class white people. These are the molds you're supposed to fit into, and if you don't, then we'll ignore you as a part of our society.
It's like N.W.A rapping "Straight Outta Compton"- I mean they wrote that song when the police were doing all the gang gathering. You could be arrested in Compton just for being black and hanging out with a group of friends. Compton is one of those ignored places that the upper middle class doesn't mention. The idea that people should let things be, keep the trouble where trouble is, doesn't make any sense.
For instance, the Avenues in Salt Lake City, Utah have one of the highest theft rates in the county, HOWEVER, you will not see too many police just hanging out in the Avenues. Why? Because they prefer to find trouble on the West Side, where the poor kids live. Of course if the police are hanging out there they're going to find trouble.
Same with Compton.
...Now..where's this rant going? I always seem to be ranting about something.
Anyway, I guess it all fits into my point of ho we're supposed to act as people given they way we were raised, where we were raised, what kind of family raised us, etc., but what if we don't fit into that? I mean, I would hardly call myself a black sheep, no, I give that job to my brother. My brother is the rebel. He was one of those kids who got kicked out of so many schools he hasn't been in one for more that two years.
Me? I don't rebel. Well, I did for a second, and the I ended up hating myself. I really have never had anything to rebel against. I've gotten everything I've ever wanted, I was a spoiled kid, I still am. My parents are sending me off to school in London for another three years simply because I'm bored of Utah. What a nice family, but I guess they could have seen it coming. Nobody knew exactly why I didn't choose Portland, but I chose the good ol' U of U, which I've begun to resent.
Back to my point...being an anomaly within thyself...It's one of those things that tears you apart and rips you to shreds if you don't go one way or another. I pride myself on being this intellectual, I enjoy learning, I enjoy discussing/contemplating/debating, and I enjoy surrounding myself with other intellectual people. Now, here's where the tearing begins...a lot of people...especially in Utah...cannot handle blunt honesty. Which, is another thing I pride myself on. I tell it like it is, and if you don't like it, then don't be around me. It's simple...but not so. I think that because of my honesty, I have scared away the intellectuals of Utah, because nobody wants to be made uncomfortable..which I can be very good at, and I am very comfortable with doing. And I scare away everyone else by being an intellectual, because, let's face in ladies and gentlemen, MOST guys do not want to be around a girl that's smarter than them. They see it as degrading, and they're probably a bit afraid of it.
However, I didn't mean to bring in my lack of being able to get a date into this, instead, the point I'm trying to make is, where do you draw they line? There are many more pieces of me that don't fit up quite right, but those are things that I have brought upon myself, and that I have to live with (a fashionista covered in tattoos- NEVER).
Maybe we're all anomalies, battling to find common ground within ourselves and our community. Or maybe (and yes, I am targeting Utah, again) we live in a culture that is so afraid to think allowed that honesty can ever really truly surface. And those of us who have reached the top of these icy waters are to be ignored, even fought against, because everyone else is still at the bottom of the ship.