Personal musings and insights for people who don't mind long, drawn out, thoughts in complex thinking.

Lately, I feel like pieces of a puzzle that have been left out in the rain, discarded and soggy, pieces that no longer fit well together. The sogginess has distorted my pieces, making the whole putting back together a difficult expense, one that no one really enjoys taking part in. I mean who really wants to spend time shoving together these pieces that you know have already been destroyed?
I'm not saying I'm destroyed. In no means necessary am I a "destroyed" person. A little bored, which makes me a bit cynical, but destroyed? That's not the word I would use to call myself.
I'm more like an anomaly in myself. I have all these different pieces of me that don't quiet fit together. I guess that's where the puzzle piece analogy comes into play. I often feel myself conflicting within itself. I am not trying to fit into any mold, or start any new one, instead, I am simply just trying to figure myself out.
But aren't we all?
I guess what I mean is...there are certain ways society thinks, "society norms", created by the middle class white people. These are the molds you're supposed to fit into, and if you don't, then we'll ignore you as a part of our society.
It's like N.W.A rapping "Straight Outta Compton"- I mean they wrote that song when the police were doing all the gang gathering. You could be arrested in Compton just for being black and hanging out with a group of friends. Compton is one of those ignored places that the upper middle class doesn't mention. The idea that people should let things be, keep the trouble where trouble is, doesn't make any sense.
For instance, the Avenues in Salt Lake City, Utah have one of the highest theft rates in the county, HOWEVER, you will not see too many police just hanging out in the Avenues. Why? Because they prefer to find trouble on the West Side, where the poor kids live. Of course if the police are hanging out there they're going to find trouble.
Same with Compton.
...Now..where's this rant going? I always seem to be ranting about something.
Anyway, I guess it all fits into my point of ho we're supposed to act as people given they way we were raised, where we were raised, what kind of family raised us, etc., but what if we don't fit into that? I mean, I would hardly call myself a black sheep, no, I give that job to my brother. My brother is the rebel. He was one of those kids who got kicked out of so many schools he hasn't been in one for more that two years.
Me? I don't rebel. Well, I did for a second, and the I ended up hating myself. I really have never had anything to rebel against. I've gotten everything I've ever wanted, I was a spoiled kid, I still am. My parents are sending me off to school in London for another three years simply because I'm bored of Utah. What a nice family, but I guess they could have seen it coming. Nobody knew exactly why I didn't choose Portland, but I chose the good ol' U of U, which I've begun to resent.
Back to my point...being an anomaly within thyself...It's one of those things that tears you apart and rips you to shreds if you don't go one way or another. I pride myself on being this intellectual, I enjoy learning, I enjoy discussing/contemplating/debating, and I enjoy surrounding myself with other intellectual people. Now, here's where the tearing begins...a lot of people...especially in Utah...cannot handle blunt honesty. Which, is another thing I pride myself on. I tell it like it is, and if you don't like it, then don't be around me. It's simple...but not so. I think that because of my honesty, I have scared away the intellectuals of Utah, because nobody wants to be made uncomfortable..which I can be very good at, and I am very comfortable with doing. And I scare away everyone else by being an intellectual, because, let's face in ladies and gentlemen, MOST guys do not want to be around a girl that's smarter than them. They see it as degrading, and they're probably a bit afraid of it.
However, I didn't mean to bring in my lack of being able to get a date into this, instead, the point I'm trying to make is, where do you draw they line? There are many more pieces of me that don't fit up quite right, but those are things that I have brought upon myself, and that I have to live with (a fashionista covered in tattoos- NEVER).
Maybe we're all anomalies, battling to find common ground within ourselves and our community. Or maybe (and yes, I am targeting Utah, again) we live in a culture that is so afraid to think allowed that honesty can ever really truly surface. And those of us who have reached the top of these icy waters are to be ignored, even fought against, because everyone else is still at the bottom of the ship.

This cold weather's gotten me into a funk I just can't ignore

" Stand here with the mountain in background
The copper mine up the hill from the town
Sits asleep like a retiree
Once used and now no use for

People used to work here
And mined their lives from this ground
Crushed them in these machines
And forged them in the future
We just take pictures
Of hearts that stopped beating

[Chorus:]
Sometimes you're a tourist with a camera
Stealing souls for scrapbooks
Sometimes you've got a life back home
Sometimes you're really alone, you're really alone
Sometimes you're really alone
Sometimes you're really alone, you're really alone
Sometimes you're really alone

We go home, after fishin' all day
And get our hands dirty
Getting the catch clean
And Mike is in the kitchen
He's heating up the fry pan
And we're in the front yard
We're watching the sun fall

People used to live here
And lived their lives on this ground
Raised them in these fields
And lost them in the future
And we just take pictures
Of hearts that stopped beating"

I had a panic attack at the gym on Monday. I was working out with my trainer and suddenly, I just stopped breathing.
The feeling of choking, that panic that takes over. It was so scary.
All of this only lasted a few minutes, but it's thrown my whole week off.
My whole world has been so unaligned lately.
I can barely get up in the morning.
I have no drive, no ambition.
In my dreams I always wake up sobbing.
I don't know what's wrong.
Why can't I just be happy?
I am so grateful for everything I have, everything around me.
And at the same time- I feel so completely screwed up.
I want to wake up and it to be summer out.
Something about summer always takes my breath away.
Every bad feeling- every lost sensation, it all disappears with summer.
I just hope it comes soon, this weather has gotten me into a funk and I can't escape.

Freedom

I wonder if one day we all realize that we are obsolete.
We have no point, no place, and no obligation.
Except, to the people we have obligations to.
I guess that's how Suicide victims feel.Obsolete.
I never want to wake up and realize that I am.
Important to no one.
I blank face in a sea of people.
I worry that if I stay in Utah, I will become that.
I will dissapear, shrivel up until there's nothing left, but this hollow empty body.
I would have left years ago.
I should have left years ago.
The one place I needed so desperately to get out of, and I was too scared.
I'm still scared.
I'm not sure of what, but leaving scares me.
However, this time, I know I have no choice.
If I don't leave, I'm not sure If I will amount to anything.
Because it's always about amounting to something, right?
I'm not bred for this whole "find a home, a husband, and have a family."
I'm not made like that.
My body wants to be free, always.
I don't want to come home and make dinner for a family I never imagined I'd have
If I stay in Utah, I might be that way.
But I can't let myself become that.
So, this summer, I'm packing my bags and leaving.
No longer will I be held down by the suffocating walls of mounatains.
I seek freedom.

" meaning is sometimes hard to spot
it begins with the flickering of cigarettes
in the darkness of a dorm room
somewhere in the suffocated mid-west
and if this is real then i was mistaken
and if there is truth then why can't we find it?
beauty comes to those who have been waiting for something
bigger than themselves
this is the sound of the hopeless kids
as they scream from the basements of the houses of their parents
and this is the sound of the hopeless ones
as they stare down at their books
and realize they have been lied to"

There's That One Person That You'll Nevr Get Over No Matter How Long It's Been

"Someone screwed up about half past the night
Wish I'd been up I could've had a blast and then run
But I know now there's that one person everyone has
That messed them up and they're still thinking about them
They're everywhere, They're everywhere
Between the booze Bob goes, "Go out and have fun."
Now nodding off I know I should've listened to him
But I know now that I'm not half as bad as I thought
It's everyone and I feel better knowing that
We're everywhere, we're everywhere
We're everywhere, we're everywhere"

It takes a lot to realize you're alone.
It takes even more to realize just how alone you're really not.
Everyone has that one person
That one person who broke their heart and they can't let go
For me, it's been two years and counting.
O've never been good with dates.
I never remember when things happen.
But with you...it's a whole different story...
On June 6th it will be two years since we've met
On June 19th it will be the first time he kissed me
On July 5th it will be when he asked me out
And December 6th, December 6th is the day we broke up.
Ever since then it's been fazes.
It took 6 months to be able to get over him
And that kid I dated was no good.
Is it weird that I think you knew how miserable I was?
You saved me in late July.
You kissed me, and made me fall all over.
Then you left again.
We started our "just friendship"
And right before Christmas break, things changed.
We were flirting, going out to lunch, and giggling
We were almost us again.
After winter break we kissed again.
Only to find out you had a girlfriend.
I only hoped I had done the same to you.
Made you realize that I was better.
Made you want me back.
But that's not the case.
And I'm hoping this summer we can talk again.
I remember every day with you so clearly.
Two years ago was really last summer.
Two years ago shouldn't have ended when it had.

...better yet, nobody has been good enough since.